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Caroline Fleck, PhD, is a licensed psychologist, corporate consultant, and adjunct clinical instructor at Stanford University. She received a BA in psychology and English from the University of Michigan and an MA and PhD from the Department of Psychology and Neuroscience at Duke. Fleck has served as a supervisor and consultant for some of the most rigorous clinical training programs in the country, and has been featured in national media outlets, including the The New York Times, Good Morning America, and HuffPost. In her private practice, Fleck specializes in dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) and other cognitive behavioral treatments for mood, anxiety, and personality disorders. Flecks corporate work focuses on strengthening company cultures and individual performance. She implements custom training programs for Fortune 500 companies and provides executive coaching to industry leaders worldwide. Whats the big idea? The secret to influencing others isnt about persuasionits about validation. In Validation: How the Skill Set That Revolutionized Psychology Will Transform Your Relationships, Increase Your Influence, and Change Your Life, Fleck reveals how acknowledging and accepting others experiences can strengthen relationships, defuse conflicts, and even increase self-compassion. Through captivating stories and actionable techniques, she introduces eight powerful skills to harness validations transformative impact. Validation uncovers how truly seeing and being seen is the key to lasting change. Below, Fleck shares five key insights from her new book. Listen to the audio versionread by Fleck herselfin the Next Big Idea App. 1. Validation is not what you think it is. My technical definition of validation is that it communicates mindfulness, understanding, and empathy in ways that convey acceptance. If I were to translate that into a mantra, it would be, Validation shows that youre there, you get it, and you care. Validation is not praise: Praise is a judgment. It says, I like the way you look or perform. Validation demonstrates acceptance. It says, I accept who you are, independent of how you look or perform. When people claim that we shouldnt rely on external validation, they are confusing validation with praise. Validation is not problem-solving: Problem-solving focuses on changing someones reaction by suggesting solutions to their, e.g., I know you didnt do well on that spelling test; why dont we try reviewing your words on the way to school next time? Validation, on the other hand, focuses on acknowledging the situation and the validity of someones response to it: You studied so hard; I can understand why you are upset. Validation is not agreement: I can validate why someone would have concerns about protecting an unborn fetus, even if I am pro-choice. If the idea of validating an opinion you disagree with makes you nervous, rest assured that validating another persons perspective does not necessarily function to reinforce it. On the contrary, people tend to get entrenched in their views when they feel like they have to defend their own position or attack yours. A validating response from you leaves nothing to attack, much less anything to defend against. So again, validation shows that youre there, you get it, and you care. It is not praise, problem-solving, or agreement. 2. Validation is like MDMA for your relationships. Validation improves relationships by transforming how they feel, increasing trust, intimacy, and psychological safety. Research has consistently shown validation to be among the strongest predictors of relational outcomes, ranging from commitment to quality across various types of relationships. This is really important given the effect relationships have on our health and life expectancy. Having poor social relationships is associated with the same death rate as smoking 15 cigarettes a day. Data show that the quality of a persons relationships can increase their probability of surviving by 50%. Importantly, validation is critical to all our relationships, including the one we have with ourselves. Knowing how to validate your own emotions is essential to developing self-compassion and improving how you relate to yourself. I have many more tips on how to cultivate self-validation in the book. Validation is also particularly helpful in the context of conflict. Its basically like adding an adorable cat filter to yourself during a videoconferencing meetingit makes you immediately less threatening and infinitely harder to argue with. Why? The answer appears to be in how it affects the validated persons physiology. As someone becomes more upset, their ability to reason, recall, and focus sharply decreases. Their sympathetic nervous system takes over, reducing their response options to fight, flight, or freeze. Validation tempers this responseit reduces sympathetic arousal and enhances a persons ability to reason and engage in perspective-taking. Validating individuals in highly stressful situations has been shown to lower their heart rate, galvanic skin response (sweating), and negative emotions. Unsurprisingly, invalidation has demonstrated the opposite effect, increasing distress and conflict. 3. Research suggests that validation is a catalyst for change. I made this point earlier when discussing how validation is used in DBT. However, neuroimaging research can help us understand whats happening here. The question of whether validation can drive people to change their behavior hinges on the degree to which it is perceived as rewarding. Anything that is rewarding has the potential to serve as positive reinforcementa reward given after a behavior that increases the likelihood that the behavior will be repeated. For instance, if a dog that has been rewarded with a treat for sitting on command is more likely to sit on command in the future, we know that the treat functioned to positively reinforce her behavior. Positive reinforcement activates the reward center of our brain, releasing neurotransmitters like dopamine that create feelings of pleasure. For instance, opioids, orgasms, and cash giveaways all produce this effect. Neuroimaging studies have demonstrated that feeling understood stimulates these same reward centers as well as areas linked to social connectedness. Returning to our question of whether validation is enjoyable enough to prompt behavioral change, the answer is a resounding yes. 4. Validation is a skill set anyone can master. Therapists are trained in specific skills to help them reliably and authentically communicate validation. In Validation, I describe how Ive adapted these therapist skills so they can be used by anyone in any relationship. The model I developed is called the Validation Ladder. It includes three subsets of skills that map onto each of the three main qualities of validation. Youve got two skills for conveying mindfulness, three for understanding, and three for empathy. Validation only works if its authentic, so if you dont understand or empathize with soeones experience, the Mindfulness skills might be all you can use. An example of a Mindfulness Skill is Attending, which requires you to focus on answering this two-part question: 1) Whats a better way to make this persons point?2) Why does it matter to them? You dont need to communicate your insights. As a mindfulness skill, these questions are designed to inform how you listen. By focusing on these questions, youre more likely to signal engagement and naturally ask more targeted questions, rather than concentrating on your rebuttal or allowing your mind to wander. To apply understanding skills, you need to genuinely see the logic in someones response. An example of an understanding skill is Equalizing, or normalizing. If you can imagine that you would react similarly to whatever the other person is experiencing, you simply communicate. For instance, you might say, Anyone in your shoes would want a second opinion or I would have done the same thing. By indicating that someones reaction is consistent with what you would think, feel, or do in that situation, you convey that its understandable. Finally, the empathy skills are the most validating, as they convey mindfulness, understanding, and empathy in one fell swoop. An example of an Empathy skill is Emoting. You might tear up if someone is relaying a sad story or jump up and down when they share good news. Emoting allows you to enter into the other persons experience, not as a spectator but as an active participant. When I first learned validation skills as a therapist, I wasnt blown away by their novelty. Many of the skills in the Validation Ladder will be things youve heard of or practiced before. Their transformative power only becomes apparent once youve honed your ability to know when to use them. Validation is much like baking; the steps involved seem deceptively straightforward, but if a novice and a master baker follow the exact same recipe, the outcome will be noticeably different. Timing, technique, and understanding how to pivot when neededthese minor adjustments determine whether or not someone will appreciate or be reinforced by the treat you provide them. 5. Find the kernel of truth. You should only validate a persons experience to the extent that you actually consider it to be valid. The aim is to find the kernel of truth in someones experience and validate that. Generally speaking, a persons experience is composed of their thoughts, emotions, and behavior. Psychologists consider thoughts to be valid if they are logical or reasonable based on the facts of a situation. Behaviors are considered valid if they are effective given ones long-term goals. As for emotions, well, you can presume that emotions are always valid. Trust me, you dont want to get in the business of arguing with people about how they feel. A persons behavior and emotions may be valid even if the thoughts that gave rise to them are not, and vice versa. For example, if someone believes there is an imminent threat of an alien invasion, they would understandably feel anxious and fearful. Anxiety and fear are reasonable reactions to an impending danger. It also makes sense that this individual would vote for a politician with a plan to address the alien invasion. Their thoughts in this scenario are invalid as they are based on misinformation, but their emotions and behavior are understandable given the misinformation they are operating under. Recognizing the valid doesnt mean you cant work on changing whats invalid or problematic. On the contrary, if the last 30 years have taught us anything, its that people are much more receptive to collaborating, receiving feedback, and even changing when they feel seen in their experience. This article originally appeared in Next Big Idea Club magazine and is reprinted with permission.
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E-Commerce
One of the more frustrating classes I took in college in the 1980s was a computer science course on data structures and algorithms. In that class, we learned about a variety of approaches to solving key problems in programming. For example, we learned several different ways to take a list of numbers given in an arbitrary order and to sort that list from smallest to largest. These approaches differed in their efficiency. What frustrated me about the class wasnt the algorithms themselvesthey were interesting. But we were never taught how anyone ever came up with those different approaches. What in the world would have gotten someone to even think of those things? Looking back on it, my frustration arose because the class wasnt teaching us how to imagine alternatives to what we already knew. Instead, it was just providing a series of alternatives that someone else had discovered. In fact, much of school involves learning things that someone else has discovered and then doing assignments in which you answer questions that the person asking the question already knows the answer to. Yet, most of what youre going to be asked to do for the rest of your career involves answering new questions that the person asking doesnt already know how to answer (and perhaps nobody has a satisfactory answer to yet). Imagining alternatives to current reality is not something you are likely to do well unless you practice it. If you feel like you need more practice being imaginative, here are a few things you can do to improve. Consider the scenario Bear in mind that all of the things you imagine are rooted in things you know already. In classic studies, people were asked to draw imaginary creatures from another planet. These creatures all tended to have the same structure, appendages, and sense organs as existing creatures. So, if youre trying to imagine a new alternative, youre going to call an existing scenario to mind. If you arent happy with the outcome of your imagination, try thinking of another scenario to use as a basis for your imagined situation. Think first about the outcome There is a tendency to focus on situations you know about when trying to imagine the future. Instead, focus on the solution or outcome you want to achieve, because that might call other things to mind. If you are trying to imagine modes of transportation in the future, rather than thinking about cars or trains, just focus on how a person could start at one place and end up at their desired location. That might lead to a different approach to imagining the future. Add constraints Try to constrain your imagination. People often think that constraints make them less creative. Studies suggest, though, that without constraints, you often imagine world that is quite similar to the world you know. When you put a lot of constraints on your imagination, most of the initial things you think of violate those constraints, so you have to keep working at it. You may fail to find anything that fits the constraints you set, but when you do, it is probably going to be pretty creative. Devote time to practicing You should also practice trying to imagine thingseven when you dont need to. Give yourself an assignment to imagine a solution to a problem you see, to come up with a plot for a story, or to develop a business idea. This practice will make you more comfortable using your imagination in situations where the idea you generate has implications for your job success. Ultimately, remember that imagination is a skill that can be improved with practice. Because your education probably did not prepare you to be particularly imaginative, youre going to have to work on it on your own. While it would have been nice to get more practice imagining in school, it is never too late to work on those skills.
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E-Commerce
An Elon Musk superfan (or a master of satire) has released a music video filmed on the back of a Tesla Cybertruckand its just as wild as you might imagine. Alessandra Basher, a self-described stay-at-home mom with dreams of becoming a stand-up comedian, posted the video on Sunday to her 56,867 followers on X. She explained that she felt compelled to write the song in response to the nonsense hate Musk has received for his role in dismantling federal agencies under the Trump administration. We thank you, Elon Musk. pic.twitter.com/6JwIgyB8Jy— Alessandra Basher All in Tesla Humor (@alessandrajokes) March 24, 2025 Singing into a mic stand on the back of a Cybertruck, wearing a cowboy hat and a Dogefather T-shirt emblazoned with Musks face, Basher belts out the lyrics: SpaceX flies / Tesla self-drives / Starlink beams with laser dreams / hes got a master plan for our lives. Interspersed with clips of Musk speaking at Trump rallies, the song also credits the billionaire with eliminating woke pain and ensuring humanitys future by making kids to keep mankind alive. Other lines include: One more kid, one more brand, launching rockets with just one hand. Its hard to believe someone would unironically post a music video titled “We Thank You, Elon Musk” shot in and on a Cybertruckbut thats exactly the debate raging online. Launching rockets with one hand is either the most subtle, nearly undetectable satire, or an unintentional burn, one Bluesky user noted. I had a real moment of doubt at the line about more kids, more brands or whatever, but I’m still thinking its sincere, another user added. After facing backlash from Tesla haters who questioned whether this was a leaked audition video from a woman hoping to bear Elons 53rd child, Basher fired back in a follow-up post: “Im not trying to have a baby with Elon,” she wrote on X. “I’m just having fun creating and performing a song to say thanks for what he did and is doing for this country and the world.” While Musk himself has yet to respond, the reception on X was notably warmer than on Bluesky. “Alessandra, you are a star. That is fantastically good. Superbly done. On point and uplifting. Terrific!” one user gushed. Another Musk fan added, “I now listen to it every time I drive my CT. Thank you again.”
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E-Commerce
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