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A few years ago, I received some news Id been longing to hear: The first book Id ever written received an offer from a publisher. My childhood dream of becoming an author looked set to become a reality. It was six oclock in the eveningthe ideal time for a celebratory drink with my colleagues. But I didnt tell anyone the news. I thought my excitement would be seen as bragging. So I kept my mouth shut. If only Id known about the concept of Mitfreude: a German term for the vicarious joy people can feel at anothers happiness. According to recent research, we are needlessly cautious about sharing good news, because we fear it will provoke boredom, irritation, or envy in others. Yet Mitfreude is surprisingly commonand sharing our happier moments can improve our mood, strengthen our relationships with our colleagues, and boost our reputation within our professional network. ‘Joying’ with someone Mitfreude (which literally translates as joying with) comes from philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche, a man not typically known for a cheery worldview. And yet he once wrote: To imagine the joy of others and to rejoice at it is the highest privilege of the highest animals. You could see Mitfreude as the opposite of Schadenfreude, our joy at others misfortune. Studies confirm that there are many benefits to joying with another person. In the psychological literature, Mitfreude is often known by the more technical term capitalization: the idea that we can amplify our happiness from a positive event by sharing it with people we like. We can see this in studies tracking day-to-day changes in peoples emotions. After a conversation in which one person recounts a success or good fortune, the speaker gets to relive the positive experience while the other person enjoys a vicarious mood boost. Crucially, the warm feelings that arise also strengthen social bonds. In close relationships, it fosters trust and intimacy, explains Trevor Watkins, an assistant professor of management at the University of Oklahoma who has examined capitalization in the workplace. Sharing our successes can also enhance our reputation with our peers: Among coworkers, it offers the opportunity to foster inspiration, he says. The result is an amplification of our initial happiness: We derive even more benefit from the positive events than if we had let them passively come and go, says Watkins. Thats why its called capitalization. Unfortunately, many of us do not recognize these benefits. So we tend to keep our happiness to ourselves. How concealing positivity can backfire In a survey by Annabelle Roberts, an assistant professor of marketing at the University of Texas at Austin, her research team found that 80% of participants reported having concealed a success from people around them, like a promotion at work. Participants wanted to avoid provoking jealousy or creating awkwardness in a conversation. They thought they were being sensitive. In reality, it is the act of hiding a successand blocking opportunities for Mitfreudethat is most likely to elicit bad outcomes. Roberts and her colleagues asked participants to consider the hypothetical story of two work friends who are both looking for a new job: One gets asked to give a presentation to a potential employer, but neglects to tell his friend, despite them having discussed their job hunts. There could be multiple explanations for his behavior (including sheer forgetfulness), but the participants saw it as an act that erodes trust. As a result, the participants responded that they would be far less likely to share personal information about themselves with such a colleagueor to collaborate with him in the future. Sharing positive things about ourselves does a lot for connection, says Todd Chan, who conducted research into the benefits of perceived bragging for his PhD at the University of Michigan. Its not that people forget that friends might be happy for them. Its more that theyre disproportionately focused on the risk of things like envy. In reality, close friends mostly do feel joy for us. How to share joy (without bragging) Mitfreude can have caveats: Watkins has found that sharing good news is far less likely to bring vicarious joy in competitive workplaces, where it can breed envy and resentment. Fortunately, the research offers some tips to increase the chances that you will meet Mitfreude rather than envy in any situation. The first is the law of reciprocity. Lukasz Kaczmarek, who heads the Social Psychology Centre at Adam Mickiewicz University in Poznañ, Poland, has shown that people often keep note of the ways that you have responded to their good news. This then shapes how theyll react to good news of your own. Conveying that enthusiasm will return to you as a boomerang, Kaczmarek says. Every time you show that your behavior has changed, it produces a change in your partner. Where possible, you might also attempt to build up others alongside yourselfa strategy known as dual promotion. You might compliment someones organizational skills while describing your creative contributions to a project, for example. The fact you’ve said something good about someone else shows that you must be a warm person, says Eric VanEpps, an associate professor of marketing at Vanderbilt University who conducted this research. Finally, you might try to talk about some of the challenges youve faced. In a study of entrepreneurs presentations, people who described past obstacles or mistakes were considered to be less conceited, and more inspiring, than those who spoke only of their triumphs. With time, greater awareness of Mitfreude and its benefits may help us all to create a more positive culture. Shying away from sharing good news creates like a void that then just is cluttered with bad news, says VanEpps. It’s nice to hear good things happen to good people.
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From fake it till you make it to stay in your lane, SXSW festival goers reveal the worst career advice they’ve ever been given and why it stuck with them.
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When you have work life balance and fulfillment, youre set up not only for success, but also for happiness. The big questions though, are about how you can find the best approach to work and life based on where you are in your journey, based on whats unique about you, and based on what you find most important. The work-life mix is critically important. In fact, a survey of 26,000 people in five countries by Randstad found that for 85%, work-life balance was the most important element that people were looking for in both current and future jobsa critical feature for their satisfaction. Importantly, this is the first time in the surveys 22-year history that work-life balance was a higher priority than pay (79%). But work-life balance is hard to achieve for many. According to the American Psychological Association, 33% of workers report they dont have adequate flexibility to balance their personal and work lives. In addition, three out of five workers are struggling with burnout, according to a survey by AFLAC. Millennials report the highest levels of burnout, and the stress for all generations is primarily based on heavy workloads and long hours at work. The bottom line is that creating a plan to gain fulfillment from work and life is a very (very, very) good idea. But unfortunately, there are no quick fixes or standard solutions for perfect work or life. Instead, everyones approaches will be different and will evolve over time. Personalizing your own strategies for success and happiness is possible with these key considerations. KNOW YOUR EXPECTATIONS One of the first ways to personalize your plans for work and life is to get real about your expectations. Achieving true work-life balance is a myth. Instead, youll have ups and downs and ebbs and flows through stages and seasons of life. If you have young children and a full-time job, youll be especially busy. If youre building your career and caring for elders, youll be facing tons of demands. And if youre an empty nester, youll face new challenges as well. If you believe you should be perfectly balanced all the time, youll set yourself up to fail. Instead, realize there will be busy (or exhausting) times and there will be easier times. Focus on managing and adjusting your choices, your time, and your boundaries throughout lifes stages, knowing regular adaptation is constructive and effective. As youre setting your expectations, also think big about not only work and family, but also your volunteer and community efforts, time with friends, and time for yourself. When youre happy at work, youll tend to feel happier at home. But the opposite is also true. When youre happier outside of work, youll perceive greater happiness within work, according to research published in the Journal of Organizational Behavior. Personalize your work-life plan by setting realistic expectations for the demands youll face and thinking broadly about all the elements of work and life that will contribute to your experience. KNOW YOUR STRENGTHS Another way to personalize your plan for work and life is to play to your strengths. When youre doing work that you enjoy, youll be much happier. Of course, there will always be elements of a job you dont love, and most people must work to pay the bills and cant just quit if they dont feel fully blissful every day. But no matter what you do, youll benefit when you lean into your strengths. Identify what youre especially and uniquely good at. You can even consider activities you loved to do as a child since these can be windows into your natural gifts. Perhaps you work in customer service and youre especially good at empathizing with people and talking them down when theyre upset. Or perhaps you work in accounting, and you have a unique gift for seeing details and identifying discrepancies. No matter what you do, bring your best and remind yourself about what you do really well, and how your work matters to your customers and coworkers. Personalize your work-life plan by taking inventory of your strengths, finding work that taps into them, and validating your own value no matter what you do. KNOW YOUR SOURCES OF FULFILLMENT Too often were in a hurry so we go through the motions of our days or our weeks. But pay attention to what brings you joy and how you most enjoy spending your time. Its a little-known fact that when you spend time on things that you enjoy, youll actually perceive you have more time because youre energized by the activity. Manage your commitments based on what pays you back most. Perhaps you dont enjoy the work of a school committee as much as you enjoy volunteering in a classroom and having contact with your child and their classmates (think: kids not committees). Or perhaps you love spending time in the hands-on work of a community garden, rather than on the board of your local museum. Despite long hours, you may relish the opportunity to participate on the new innovation team at work. Also consider adding or subtracting activities based on your season of life. If youre building your career, joining the advisory council for the local charity is a great way to network. But when youre running carpool with three children and supporting all their activities, its a great time to decline additional invitations for extra project work at your job. Know your limits and boundaries and dont be afraid to manage to them. Personalize your work-life plan by determining what feels most rewarding for you and making choices for how you spend your time based on the right mix. Often, work-life gurus recommend saying no as often as you can. A better approach is to be intentional, saying yes to things that are rewarding or rejuvenating and saying no (when you can) to the activities that are less energizing. KNOW YOUR PEOPLE Another key to a great experience of work and life is to surround yourself with people you can rely on. Choose to spend time with those who encourage you, support you, and help you. Invest in the friends whom you trust and who need your help as well. Be ruthless with your time while youre gentle with people, turning them down tactfully or being understanding when they are requesting your time. But choose to invest less in the relationships that are minimally rewarding or that sap you. Giving back and focusing on others is correlated with happiness, but youll want to be intentional about avoiding people (as much as you can) who may be negative or who fail to reciprocate in terms of their time and investment in you. Personalize your work-life plan by making connections and prioritizing time with people who are most important to you. CULTIVATE GRATITUDE And finally, no matter what stage of life youre in, one of the best ways to increase your fulfillment is to emphasize ratitude. Gratitude works because it focuses you on what you have, rather than what youre lacking. The relationship between gratitude and happiness is well-established by various studies. Emphasize gratitude and think consciously about what you appreciate. Beyond things, focus on experiences, capabilities, family, and friends. Robert Braults advice is helpful: “Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things. Gratitude fosters positive experiences even as you face significant demands, and linguistic determinism helps, too. Essentially, how you talk to yourself affects how you think and feel about them. When you consider that you get to pick up the kids from school, it can feel more positive than if you have to pick them up. Or if you invest time in something, it can feel more rewarding than if you spend time in the same pursuit. Personalize your work-life plan by being grateful and by managing your language, thoughts, and feelings about all the challenges you face. Ultimately, the best work-life fulfillment comes from your own mix of how you spend your time and how you perceive the value of both your contributions and rewards. And over time, youll adjust and adapt as demands shift, life evolves, and as you grow and develop.
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